How to Keep Your Kids Safe From Sexual Predators

Earlier this month, I blogged about Randall Margraves lunging at Larry Nassar, who’d pled guilty to sexually assaulting hundreds of young women and girls, including three of Margraves’ daughters. No one, not even the judge, had the heart to criticize his actions.

Most parents could feel the distraught father’s pain. Early on in my recovery from PTSD, I shared with my counselor about how angry I was feeling about being unprotected as a child. “If someone did that to one of my girls, they’d be in mortal danger.”

“I believe you,” he replied. (Good thing counselors aren’t obliged to report hypothetical threats. I might be writing this from a jail cell.)

Unfortunately, there aren’t any foolproof ways of preventing the horrible, yet all-too-common abuse that affects 1 out of 5 girls and 1 out of 20 boys before they turn 18.

That’s a gut-churning statistic, isn’t it?

But there are ways we can make our kids safer:

Open lines of communication—As soon as possible, begin talking with boys and girls about what is appropriate and what isn’t. Always emphasize that if they feel uncomfortable, they can always come and ask you. Getting in the habit of listening to a very young child will help you to be receptive when they really need to communicate something important.

Ask more general questions. For example, asking your child if someone touched them inappropriately could get you a simple “no,” when, in fact, the perpetrator has shown them pornography or solicited their involvement in child porn. Asking questions like, “Has anyone made you feel uncomfortable?” opens up the door for your child to communicate more with you. Ask them to tell you about their afternoon when the two of you are alone; this frees your child up to tell you whatever is on their mind, rather than focusing on a leading question.

Be empathetic. After last week’s blog post, I heard story after story about others who’d experienced sexual molestation as a child. The one common denominator—emotionally or physically distant parents. If your child knows by experience that you’ll listen and care, they’ll feel comfortable talking with you. Predators prey on love-starved children.

Keep a watch for red flags. If someone shows a special interest in only one child, or tries to spend an extraordinary amount of time alone with a child, there’s cause for raised awareness and extra communication with your son or daughter. Perverted behavior, such a pornography viewing/production only escalates; it’s not a static sin. If a perpetrator gets away with inappropriate behavior, it’s likely he or she will become more and more brazen.

As I mentioned before, it’s not always possible to prevent sexual molestation or assault, even with the most diligent parenting. So, what do you do if your child tells you something has happened?

Believe them. If you minimize what happened or doubt their word, you violate them all over again. They internalize the false belief that they must be bad or not worth protecting if telling you results in blowing them off.

Tell them it’s not their fault. Keep reinforcing this idea until they believe you.  Listening to their feelings and helping them process what happened through a healthy perspective can prevent a lot more pain later. A good pediatric counselor will be able to guide them through the healing process.

Report crimes to the police. If you keep the incident quiet, you only reinforce the idea that the child is the one who should be ashamed, rather than the perpetrator. A lack of consequences gives the perpetrator your tacit approval. By reporting the crime, you’re preventing abuse from happening to other children.

Confront appropriate authorities. If they violated your child, they’re probably preying on others. If the perpetrator is a teen, inform his or her parents immediately. In the likely event they deny the abuse happened, defend your child against being called a liar. It’s important that your child knows you are on their side. If the perpetrator has contact with children at work or where they volunteer, inform the organization’s leaders what happened.

Block all contact with the perpetrator. In cases where the perpetrator has had extended periods of contact (such as a relative or close family friend), your child will be continually damaged by being forced to attend social events and reunions while pretending nothing is wrong. Once the violation has happened, the relationship must be completely severed, or else you send the wrong signal to your child.

Rampant abuse won’t be stamped out overnight. As parents, we will make the changes necessary by being more intentional about teaching the next generation why sexual abuse and assault are so damaging and how to prevent it.

I thank God every day that a subject that was once a big, hairy monster under the bed is now out in the light. It’s still there. It’s still ugly. But attitudes are changing, and with a little bit of Randall Margrave’s passion and some intentionality, we can eradicate it.