Who Are You? Walking in Your Own Shoes

Today I have the honor of hosting Kolleen Lucariello on my blog. A perfect reminder as we enjoy the fall season.

Walking in Your Own Shoes

By Kolleen Lucariello

Kolleen Lucariello Who Are you? Walking in your own shoesHere in my home state of New York, October ushers in the fun of pumpkins, apple picking and salmon fishing season. There’s also the beauty of leaves peaking, apple cider and cozy sweaters. Among the many things October has to offer, it has also been designated as Women Walking in Their Own Shoes month: a global call for women to say yes to their purpose, passion and power.

If you’re like me, fall also means it’s time to shed the flip-flops, put away the sandals, and slip your feet back into a pair of shoes. Preferably comfortable ones—it’s never enjoyable to spend a day in shoes that don’t fit.

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So You Want to Be a Sheep?

Today I have the honor of hosting Maureen Hager, author of Love’s Bullet.

So You Want to be a Sheep?

By Maureen Hager

So you want to be a sheep? Maureen HagerSheep are mentioned in the Bible more than any other animal; symbolically they refer to God’s people. All the sheep that belong to the shepherd are of one flock.
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3 Powerful Ways to Comfort Your Anxious Friend

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized that anxiety was part of the daily fabric of my life. Growing up in chaos, anxiety had been my normal. It was how I survived.

I’ve come a long way in learning to trust Jesus with my worries. I’ve also talked with many who deal with the same daily anxiety levels, whether they realize it or not.

3 ways to comfort your anxious friendMost of the things I’ve learned to say (and what not to say) have either come from others or my own mouth. Turns out, the most helpful words to say to your anxious friend come straight out of God’s Word.

If you have a friend who struggles with anxious thoughts, either chronically or occasionally, here’s a list of three ways to comfort her.
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The Goodness of God: 3 Must-Know Things In A Trial

It’s easy in the midst of a trial to forget God’s goodness. When we’re suffering, we often lose sight of the big picture.

I’ve been studying the book of Daniel and gleaned some treasures from an old, familiar story: Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego on the plain of Dura.

King Nebuchadnezzar had built a 90-ft. statue and assembled a crowd of important people—government officials, satraps, and leaders—to dedicate it. He commanded everyone to bow down and worship the statue whenever they heard the music, or be thrown into a furnace.Goodness of God, trial, Daniel, Nebuchadnezzar

If you don’t already know the story, a plain full of important government officials bowed down to the statue when the music played. I’m picturing hundreds and hundreds.

All but three.
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3 Powerful Truths About Who You Are

sovereignty of God, who am I, DanielIn the day to day, it’s easy to put the sovereignty of God out of mind. We focus on our to-do lists, schedules, and families. If we’re honest, we sometimes wonder if we missed something important along the way.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to concentrate too much on the aspects of life where I struggle. Whether I succeed or not in what I’m doing determines my worth as a person, at least in my own mind.

Then I start asking questions like, “What am I even doing here? Did I misunderstand God’s calling for my life?”
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Where is Jesus in the Storm?

Harvey, Irma, storm, Shakespeare, Jesus

Yesterday I flew from one rainy/underwater side of the country to the other side, which happens to be on fire. I woke up early to leave for the airport, only to be greeted by the news that an earthquake had rocked Mexico while I slept.

As Irma blows her way through the Caribbean, killing dozens and leaving desolation in her wake, Houston begins to rebuild and recover from Harvey’s destruction. Meanwhile, Floridians follow their familiar hurricane protocols—filling sand bags, boarding up windows, and stocking up supplies.
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How to Accept the Blame When Shame Fits

As I continue my series on shame,  I have the honor of hosting Denise Pass, author, speaker, and worship leader. Here she explores the purpose of shame. Is it ever a good thing? Here’s what she has to say:

Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character. Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God–I say this to your shame.” 1 Corinthians 15:33-34

Denise Pass Shame

Tucked in a chapter about the resurrection life we have in Christ are these verses in which Paul is shaming the people of God. None of us like to hear “shame on you” and we typically think people who shame others are judgmental and legalistic. But sometimes the shame fits. What then?
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Shame Repellant: How to Set Boundaries

I was spending a quiet Sunday evening in my sewing room when the message alert came.

As I read it, I became nauseated. A distant relative, one I haven’t seen in almost a decade, was clearly angry about something I’d posted earlier in the day (this article for Daughters of Unloving Mothers).

My relative’s intent wasn’t restoration, but to shame me. She questioned my loyalty and love for my mother. She scoffed at my Christianity. She derided my deceased father for his alcoholism. It was pure contempt.Shame, How to Set Boundaries, Shame-free life

I was shocked by her hostility, as we’d never had anything but positive encounters before, and only a handful of times.

Since she wasn’t asking me to do anything, I could have chosen to ignore the message. I could have blocked her from contacting me. Or, I could have written an apology to try to mollify her anger.

But I hadn’t done anything wrong. The shame she was trying to put on me was definitely misplaced. So instead, I chose to set a boundary.

If you deal with others putting unmerited shame on you as well, there are ways to keep it from sinking in and doing further damage to your already wounded heart. Setting a boundary is like shame repellant.

Here are three things to remember when setting a boundary:

Remind yourself of the truth

I informed my relative of a hard truth I’d realized a few years before. The public perception of relationships isn’t always the way they actually are. In my case, I’d learned to pretend things were good in order to avoid more trouble. But that path had taken me to a dark place.

Whether the other person is able to accept the truth or not, writing it out or talking it over with someone you trust reinforces it in your mind and heart. Every situation is different, and it may not be productive to share that truth with the one who needs a boundary. Sometimes they see their mistake, and sometimes it only escalates the problem, so you’ll have to decide what’s best in each case.

Be Kind, But Firm

It’s hard to insist that you’re treated respectfully, especially if you’ve been treated disrespectfully all your life and you’re just learning how to live without the shame and feelings of worthlessness. It may take more than one draft for you to write out your needs before you share them.

In my case, I asked for respectful correspondence and that my motives not be judged before she knew all the facts. I made sure to focus on her choices, not who she is as a person. We must resist the temptation to fling shame back. Boundary setting is like spraying bug spray on ourselves; I’m not advocating an assault on the other person with a big can of bug killer.

Make Sure You’re Ready to Enforce It

If you make a firm but kind request, the other person has a choice about whether to honor it or not. If they don’t, and you keep allowing the disrespect (or whatever negative behavior meant to shame you), it will be all the harder for you to convince them you mean it the next time.

Having a plan about how to enforce the boundary (whether it be lessening or cutting contact altogether) helps you to stay clear of the shame. Remember that boundaries actually help preserve the relationship, or what’s left of it. You’re doing the other person a kindness by offering an opportunity for them to see that their behavior is hurtful.

I know from personal experience that if the other person choses not to honor your request, it can be painful to accept their choice. But we can only control our own choices, and the least painful choice in the long run is to do what you said you’d do.

Shame, How to Set Boundaries, Shame-free lifeLiving a Shame-Free Life

Creating boundaries is a good way to begin building up a support system of people who treat you with respect and kindness.

I’ve heard it said that you can’t heal a wound if someone keeps ripping off the scab. I have found it to be true in my own life. Getting yourself to a safe place where you can heal sometimes takes acts of courage you never thought you’d muster.

Without the negative voices pulling you down, you’ll be able to hear the healing voices who want to lift you up.

It’s hard emotional work sometimes. But in the end, the person you become without the weight of shame is free to fulfill the purpose God created you for.

The process of forgiveness begins.

Anxiety decreases.

Healthy relationships thrive.

You learn to love freely, because you embrace the love the Creator of the Universe has given you.

If you’re struggling with throwing off the shame and learning to set boundaries in the process, please know that there’s a peaceful life waiting for you on the other side.

Want to read more on the topic? Michele Cushatt wrote a great blog about her experience as well.

 

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